In line with this statement, it is often apparent that the person we are is a direct result of the many internal conflicts between these two opposing feelings within us. If love and hate are the opposite extremes of the same scale (that of attachment), then where we are on this scale in our relationships throughout our life, as well as our transition along this scale, says something fundamental about who we are.War is the father of all things.
We interact with many people in our life and, depending on the nature of our profession, we could easily come into contact with over 80,000 people in that time. Of that huge number only a very tiny fraction will involve meaningful relationships. From those again, very few will have an impact on the essence of who we are. These relationships are not all the same of course; both in their nature and also in their intensity. Some people will make a negligible impact on us and others will transform the way we see life. Perhaps the earliest and, arguably, most profound relationships occur when we are young. Not having anything to compare with we are most impressionable and whether it is our parents, our childhood teachers or indeed our early friends, we quickly find ways to identify what we like and what we dislike in people. At this early stage we hardly know ourselves so how could we possibly love something and be sure that this love or attachment is sustainable? Since a relationship is between ourselves and another – surely we need to have a deep appreciation of both before we can, even if with little real hope, have any confidence that a relationship means anything. The foundation of any building is the primary source of its longevity, and likewise, an understanding of the roots of our feelings towards others is the source of their continued strength. Poetry and novels are replete with stories of intense love. The story of Layla and Majnun by the sixth century Persian poet – called the Romeo and Juliet of the East by Lord Byron) – is often a good example. In this story the protagonist Qays ibn Al-Mulawwah who cannot be with his beloved (Layla) becomes insane (and hence called majnun – meaning mad is Arabic) with longing for her. Some of his poetry captures the depth of his love
It is common for people to meet these verses with a collective “aaawwww” as their proverbial heart strings are pulled in all directions. However, is being “madly in love” something anyone should aspire to? Surely the clue is in the wording – by losing our rational ability to judge and measure – we fall head long into one of these extremes (we could easily hate to this level too). Is the love of someone who loves with such intensity without recourse to reasons or tangible efects the same as one who does so based on reason? Relationships are not mathematically linear. It is not the case that if we double what we put into a relationship we can reasonably expect to receive twice as much back. In some ways this is what makes them appealing. The concept of variable schedule reinforcement is what makes love special in many ways – this needs a blog on its own. Little things can make the most dramatic impact whilst days of toiling and working on your interaction with someone can all be wasted in a few seconds. It is interesting to consider relationships where our views and feelings move significantly along the attachment scale. Such a shift reveals a lot about us and those whom we love. Whether it is someone we despised but then gradually came to love or vice versa. As a starting point let us take the very informative quote from the famous psychologist William James“I pass by these walls, the walls of Layla And I kiss this wall and that wall It’s not Love of the walls that has enraptured my heart But of the One who dwells within them.”
Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is.
Mathematics will never answer questions as deep as the ones above but to get an idea of how complex they are, consider the following simple analysis. If we suppose that each person has these three facets and let us further suppose that in each facet they can have only two stations (say true or false, real or improvised etc) then each person can be associated with six different qualities. A relationship between them, where only one of these qualities is chosen in each, can then be based on 36 different choices!!!! Consider the case of initial misunderstandings of how we “see the other” – we might suppose a person to have characteristics we like/dislike and this might indeed be further magnified by a set of early meetings and interactions. However, as we learn more about them, and realise our mistakes, we come to see them in a different light. This is the least interesting scenario as, like most things in life, it is natural that we should re-evaluate our views in light of updated information or discovering we were, at least initially, mistaken. I’ve been here many times myself. There are many people I’ve admired and respected only to be disappointed and also others who I did not value much only to realise their worth later. Can we like someone because of how they see themselves? Some people are attracted by ample amounts of self-confidence (which might indeed be a euphemism for an inflated ego) whilst others are drawn to someone who may lack confidence and even be reticent and shy. How ironic it is to be deceived by someone else’s self delusion!
Human psychology is unrivalled in its dynamic capacity. We are, as individuals, constantly changing. What happens then when we initially like someone for certain traits or qualities but then we ourselves change to the extent that we no longer feel the same way – indeed we may evolve to such a degree that we loathe the same person. I often hear the expression, in relation to how fond someone might be of another, that “they make me feel like such and such”. In this case their fondness is more about how the relationship makes “them” feel rather than the particular attributes another might have. Of course the two things are not mutually exclusive. A person with an outward and active personality might be expected to make another, more introverted person, “feel alive” or “invigorated”. However, the key thing to note is that the basis for affection here is ultimately how they are made to feel. How deep or real are our feelings of love (or hate) anyway? As we grow older do we come to realise that feelings, like shadows, are difficult to grasp and only last for a limited time. Perhaps we are never meant to fully understand the mystical origins of these feelings. Like two people on adjacent moving trains trying to hold hands it is probably true to say that more often than not perfect alignment isn’t possible but whenever it does happen it really is special.
Beneath_the_Shade 